Hey you,

Had a call with a client recently and just thought this chain of thought would be helpful, as I think it's often unwritten.

To make friends you have to vulnerable.

Without vulnerability, you only show the trivial and superficial to others, which everyone else is shown too.

Offering up vulnerability requires trust. That's why it's so difficult to share.

You are taking someone you actually like, and saying 'here's a bit more of me'.

If they don't accept it, you interpret that as 'they don't like the real me.'

Being vulnerable is especially tough for men who've been conditioned that showing vulnerability is weakness.

And in some cases, it can be.

If you dump all your problems on people from the moment you meet them, they'll start to feel like you're sharing these things with them out of personal need to unburden, rather than trust in the other person.

Rabbits are vulnerable. Always.

But if a lion is vulnerable, the contrast is noticeable.

A lion that is only trusting with you - that's going to make you feel pretty special.

If you're lucky enough to be encouraged as a child, you'll likely work out who to share your vulnerabilities with, and develop good friendships by proxy.

But some people have been unlucky and either

a) Not learnt who to trust

b) Learnt to trust no one

Neither of these is ideal since our world is built on trust:

• When we drive our cars in opposing directions, only a metre apart,
• When we buy things on Marketplace,
• When we see a dentist
• Asking a person 'do you want to get a coffee some time?'

If you don't trust others, they won't trust you.

And that is just as damaging.

A chicken and egg.

Like falling off your bike, you cannot let a few past experiences shape your whole future expectation. 'You've gotta get back on and try again' or you'll forever be fearful.

Those fears become anxieties:

The friend that might suddenly betray you, the noise that might be a murderer, the lump that might be cancer.

The more trust you have built up in your past, the more likely you are to shrug your shoulders to any current fear, and carry on cruising through life.

And almost always, you'd be right.

So, like my email a few weeks back: Go first, if you're feeling brave, lead with vulnerability - especially with those who've fallen off their bike a few more times.

P.S. If any of this resonated - a reminder that I have a workshop on Tuesday 9th in Clapham. Spaces are filling up but I'd love to see you there!

A chance for you to demonstrate some trust, with me...

Cheers

Live by design, not default.

James - humans BEING

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